Lords of Badassery

Rock You To Hell by Grim Reaper

I, like many people, first found out about Grim Reaper through an episode of Bevis and Butthead in which the two titular lunkheads hurled hilarious (at the time) insults toward the band’s heavily dated NWOBHM look and especially at the less-than-modelesque facial features of lead singer, Steve Grimmett. And while I did have a laugh or two, the thing that struck me the most was how actually kick-ass the song was. I mean, this was old-style, balls-to-the-walls heavy metal that sounded like a bunch of drunk Brits rocking out in their garage. Nowadays, Grim Reaper is still alive and kicking, with Steve Grimmett proving that he literally is the avatar of the Heavy Metal gods (dude had his leg amputated for health reasons but continues to rock out with a steel leg). So it was natural to name Saffron’s van Hell on Wheels as a tribute to the most underrated front man in rock and roll and to stick it to all the haters who sided with Bevis and Butthead against a living metal legend.

No Easy Way Out by Robert Tepper

Let’s get this out of the way. A lot of people will tell you that the best Rocky is the first one, followed by Rocky Balboa and then the Creed movies. Sure, all of those are fine films. But NONE surpass the transcendent awesomeness that is Rocky IV. I mean, robot with a confusingly sexy voice? Check. James Brown? Check! Dolph Freaking Lundgren? Holy crap, check! And best of all, an amazing 80s soundtrack?

Check and mate.

It was hard to choose the song I like the most from the soundtrack, but I believe I’ve found the winner in Robert Tepper’s musical paean to regenerating hair gel, randomly placed chain link, and awkward white guy dance moves. Not only is it the funeral dirge to Apollo Creed (R.I.P.), but the video is classic 80s cheese. I mean, I get why Monsieur Tepper is so pissed off. I’d also be upset if I was on my way to a gala premiere and someone locked me in the warehouse where they kept the stage equipment from Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative” video. But did he waste that time moping? No, he started jamming to his own beat to give us the ultimate anthem to kicking ass (in this case, He-Man’s).

Shine by Martin Ansell

Unlike many of my peers growing up, I enjoyed free rein over the wondrous bounty that was cable TV. I got to see everything, and indeed my education in all things related to adult life came filtered through an odd hodge-podge of action flicks, Nick at Night, and teen rom-coms. None hit me in the nardz more than Better Off Dead. Not only did it star everyman heartthrob John Cusak taking on a guy actually named “Stalin” in a ski competition to rule them all, it had an amazing soundtrack that folded perfectly well with its misanthropic message of “don’t bother with suicide because you’ll probs screw it up.” This song is probably my favorite off the soundtrack because it occurs right near the end of the movie, when Cusak’s Lane Myer has to face his fears and take on Stalin in a race down a glacier in order to win the heart of NOT the girl they’ve been fighting for the whole movie, but to win his own pride back and to cement his love for the angelic Monique (played by my first celebrity crush, Diane Franklin). On one ski. It’s a perfect song for those times when LeRoy thinks the world is against him only to find out that it hadn’t been . . . but is now.

Hole in My Heart by Cyndi Lauper

Let me make clear my undying love for Jeff Goldblum. From The Fly to Jurassic Park to The League, I do not believe he has ever let me down. This includes the oft-reviled movie, Vibes, which was an HBO staple through the late 80s-early 90s. In it, he and Cyndi Lauper (!!!!) play two psychics who sorta hate, sorta love each other, and who get involved in a cockamamie scheme cooked up by Fred Savage’s grandpa to find mysterious cities of gold in Peru. It was the perfect model for the odd frenemy relationship shared by LeRoy and Saffron in the book. Of course, much must be said for Cyndi Lauper’s unique voice as being a signature 80s sound, mostly thanks to The Goonies. Overall, this song is fun, zany, and full of energy—a perfect fit for Lords of Badassery.

Run with Us by by Kevin Gillis, Jon Stroll, and Steve Lunt, Performed by Lisa Lougheed (covered by The Cybertronic Spree)

I had to include at least one cartoon theme song on this list, and while there were many to choose from, a scant few really stood the test of time. Sure, we all can sing the Heathcliff theme song by heart (. . . right?), but would you be able to handle it on continuous repeat? I think not. This one, however—yes, I could. The Raccoons was a strange show in which the titular animals looked more like furry, above-ground snorks, and which carried a vague pre-Captain Planet anti-corporate environmental message. All good. The real star was the theme sung by Lisa Lougheed, a song so energizing that you were forced to do your best John Bender and hoist your fist in the air anytime you heard it. As a bonus, this particular rendition is done by the Cybertronic Spree, a Transformers-themed rock band headed up by everyone’s favorite sexy autobot, Arcee. It doesn’t get better than this.

Win in the End by Mark Safan

In the 80s, there was a sub-category of teen movie—the sports-themed teen movie. Teen Wolf was decidedly that, along with having its fingers in the horror-comedy genre as well. A seeming requirement to sports-themed teen movies was the montage/final battle anthem that embodied the epic David and Goliath battle happening on the court/ring/field. This is one that has always stuck with me, and was the one running through my head as I wrote the scenes showing LeRoy playing in the various video game tournaments throughout the book.

Ruby Dawn by Pino Donaggio

The Barbarian Brothers could only have been born out of the weirdness that was 1980s schlock cinema. Just think about it—twin bodybuilding brothers who could channel the steroid-swollen charm of Schwarzenegger at a discount price? C’mon. David and Peter Paul were responsible for four cinematic masterpieces, all of which feature them playing twin brothers (duh) getting into hijinks and switcheroo shenanigans. While The Barbarians isn’t my favorite of their ouvre (that goes to the indescribable Think Big, in which they play truckers who sing magic songs to make their truck start and who are trying to keep a remote control that can switch anything on and off from the clutches of Richard “Jaws” Kiel), it nevertheless wins in the crappy-yet-fun fantasy romp featuring a hard-not-to-love soundtrack department. In Lords of Badassery, LeRoy visits the remnant of a derelict Internet 1.0 website called Barbarian-Bros.Com, named after these forgotten yet beloved beefcakes of yore.

Fight to Survive by Stan Bush

Ah, Stan Bush. He’s got the touch. He’s got the power. He, without a doubt, is the king of 1980s martial arts soundtracks, and none of his tracks is more renowned than the battle cry from Bloodsport, “Fight to Survive.” Of course, it contains the epic Kumite chant (aka my mantra when waiting in line for a latte or when I have to ask for extra mayo on my Cold Cut Combo from Subway). But it also is the best theme song to play during the ultimate battle, when the chips are down, and when the hero must pull one last salvo out of his gut to finally overcome his adversary. It was natural to include this song in a list for Lords of Badassery (the names alone go along together). But it also hearkens to the more personal inner struggle many of the characters deal with. It’s a clarion call to dig deep, throw caution to the wall, and go for the glory. Also, if you’re gonna pull out that long withheld finishing move, now’s the time to let the best karate out.

Man on Fire by The Megas

Lords of Badassery is ostensibly a book centered on the history of video games and how they affect modern day media for young people who didn’t grow up in the 8- and 16-bit golden age. Who better to embody the evolution of game to media phenomenon than The Megas, a band solely devoted to singing songs about Capcom’s plucky robotic hero, Mega Man. That’s right, this band plumbs the deepest lore of the Mega Man series to deliver some rocking tunes with deft guitar and mind-blistering harmonies. “Man on Fire,” about the doomed Heatman (all the robot masters are doomed in Mega Man’s wake) is probably my favorite of their Mega Man 2 songs.

Best Game Ever by Duane and BrandO

Along with video games, Lords of Badassery is definitely a book about how YouTube has shaped the consumption of media by younger generations—especially media that otherwise would have been tossed into the dustbin of time. It’s the only reason why so many people born in the 2000s even know about obscure movies, music, games, and more. This track is kind of a combo platter of how this dynamic works. You have a long-forgotten game, Cheetahmen (which was non-approved by Nintendo for the 8-bit NES) being the subject of a song by a defunct rap duo, Duane & BrandO, whose main following was garnered online (especially via YouTube). This kind of story is very typical of YouTube channels that come and go, creators that gain a cool fifteen minutes and then sink away into obscurity. It does not mean that their works are bad or should remain unknown. On the contrary, good stuff is good stuff, and this song (unlike the game it is based on) is very good stuff, indeed.